The Garage: An Actual Conversation

I have a lovely nephew who is a pistol.  He was the sweetest, most adorable baby with a handsome round face, yummy kissable cheeks, giant blue eyes and hair so blonde you could hardly see it.  Now Munchkin is nearly five.  Dear God help his parents.

Munchkin looks nothing like this.

Munchkin looks nothing like this.

My shorties have done their share of being a bad influence on Munchkin, but I think Munchkin has now become the master.  He can now hold his own and has had me laughing my a** off ever since.  Case in point:  Last spring (when he was 3) Aunt Mo (Munchkin’s awesome mother) and Munchkin were entertaining some friends in their back yard.  They were playing and having a fun time outside when Munchkin approached his unsuspecting mother and reported the following:

Munchkin:  Mom, I had to pee and I couldn’t pee outside because I didn’t want them to see my penis.  So I peed in the garage.

Aunt Mo:  (Mouth opening and closing like a fish)  Oh, Ummmmmm…  Oh.

Now that is a considerate host.  Munchkin out.

Posted in Funny Parenting Blog, Parenting Boys | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Why the Bus Stop is Like Vegas: An Actual Conversation

This year 2 of our kids are in Middle School.  Because I am Old.  So every morning Sweet Pea (8th grade now, God help us) and Pickles (6th grade, how is this possible).  Every morning they leave together holding hands and skip off to the bus stop like a modern day  Norman Rockwell painting.  Or something like that.  One morning a week or two into the school year, Pickles was hoisting his backpack onto his back and asked me,

Pickles:  Mom!  Can you pleeeeaaaasssseee ask Sweet Pea not to throw my backpack into a tree at the bus stop?

Sweet Pea: (Ears perking up)  Hhhmmmph?

Me:  I would think that would go without saying.

Pickles:  Evidently not.

Me:  Sweet Pea, backpacks are not for throwing in trees.

Sweet Pea (to Pickles):  What happens at the bus stop stays at the bus stop.

And they were off skipping to the bus hand in hand.  Or something like that.

(Image credit: visitlasvegas.com baby!)

It’s the bus stop, baby!

Posted in Brother Rivalry, Funny Parenting Blog, Parenting Boys, raising middle schoolers, sibling rivalry | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Sink or Swim: Update (Way Overdue)

First of all, close you eyes, take a couple of deeeep cleansing breaths so you can easily  suspend reality and pretend that I posted this about a year ago when I wrote it.  Ready?  Good.  Read on.

I spent some time recently clearing out my brain, ranting about, discussing Sweet Pea’s recent shove out of the boat opportunity to demonstrate his competence at managing his own academic life.  Do you like how positively I spun that?  I know.  Thanks, it took me a while.  The reality is more like Husband and I had had it up to here and something had to change because things were getting real ugly real quick.  You can read about it here.

This is a television. Sweet Pea hasn’t seen one with moving pictures on it in weeks.  The Amish watch more TV than Sweet Pea these days.

Now for the update.  As of three full weeks into the new marking period- three full weeks of no nagging, no checking of any assignment and minimal mentioning of homework at all.  Also three full weeks of no video game or regular tv time.  We did strategically schedule two family movie nights over the weekends, and a trip out to the movies so he didn’t lose all hope.  It is amazing what a motivator a screen is for this kid.  As of three weeks into the grading period, his lowest grade was a C+.  That was from a bombed assignment that was graded at the very beginning of the marking period (everything else in that class has been a B or an A!)  He also had a B+ and the rest are A’s!!  I know, I couldn’t believe it either.  I am not going to declare this a resounding success yet, there is still lots of time for things to go south.

As of the END of the marking period, Sweet Pea had all A’s and B’s.  He actually had all A’s and B’s this entire school year, even before SInk or Swim, but this marking period was certainly the least painful for me.  I won’t speak for him, but I suspect he would say the same.  We have gotten to a new normal where we worry less about his work and he handles more himself.  Does he forget stuff?  Yes.  Does he blow stuff off?  Sure does.  Do Husband and I freak out?  Only on the inside.  That was the overall goal, so…  (whisper) Yay!

Sweet Pea rocked his grades like Phelps rocks the pool!

The bottom line is that Sweet Pea has really risen to the occasion and given us a reason to not need quite so much wine at the end of the week.  We have five and a half more years of school (Heaven help us) but the last three (especially) have been a real learning opportunity for the parents of Sweet Pea.  We are lucky to have a supportive teacher at school we keep in touch with and a babysitter who is totally cool with actually watching the kids and not letting them watch tv for the two hours she is here (I know, she’s a keeper!).  But I will say that while this certainly could have gone horribly wrong, I am sooooo glad it didn’t!

So parents of reluctant students, don’t give up!!  If a couple of boobs, exhausted schmos like Husband and me can get a break from the unpleasantness that is Sweet Pea doing a Language Arts project (with tri-fold, matted color pictures and 7 paragraphs of text) so can you.  Dream big, people.

(Image Credits:  TV from bestbuy.com.  Shop for one here.  Michael Phelps from The Huffington Post (AP Photo Paul Sakuma), read the article here.)
Posted in ADHD, homework, Parenting Boys, Sweet Pea | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

I Know, I Left You Hanging

I know, I just sort of vanished.  There were 2 or 3 posts a week and then there were none!  No explanation, no nothin.   What actually happened is I started working.  I know, there are some super-human bloggers out there who are able to work, parent, and blog.  I  just have too much unintentionally falling asleep where ever I happened to be sitting napping to do all of those things.  I also can’t even chew gum and walk at the same time.  I certainly can’t text and walk at the same time.  I would undoubtedly fall into a man hole some Jack-hole left open.

So after starting to sort through drafts of old posts that I never finished/published I  decided that the first order of business was to sort of shake off the dust, blow off the stink and provide a little explanation.  I am sure I will not be as diligent of a chronical-er of ridiculousness, but I will try to hit the high points (and the low points, of course, because they are way funnier.)

Here are some things I will try to get to that have happened since the radio silence:

*Pickles is in Middle School with Sweet Pea.

*Pumpkin Pie is in school all day long in first grade.

*Husband now has a pacemaker (Hottest dude with a pacemaker ever.  If the cardiologist ever does a calendar, Husband would totally be on the cover.)

*I decided to leave my job and opened my own private practice.  Then I got into a car accident that leaves me with a concussion.  Hilarity ensues.

*Lots of things happen at work that I will never ever be able to write about because it would be unethical, tacky.

Now that you know the big stuff, I will get to work on the details.  I will leave you with a little photographic evidence of the wreck that was Cloud 8 this summer:

This is my van after the accident. I think the magnet advertising our pool that was on the back was vaporized.

This is what my van looked like before the accident. I know, it could use a wash.

TTYL!

Posted in Funny Parenting Blog, Going back to work, Parenting Boys | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Treed: An Actual Conversation

Here, Sweet Pea. Now you will have something to eat while you are tied to the tree by the Lilliputians.

It was a lovely late winter day and all three shorties were outside playing.  It was one of those days where we were all so glad that it was nice enough out that we were all so happy that the kids could play outside, we didn’t have a care in the world.  Then Pumpkin burst through the door half hysterical to announce:

Pumpkin Pie:  MomMomMomMomMomMomMom!!!!  MOM!  Tyler and Jane and Caroline are tying Sweet Pea to a tree!

I happen to know that Sweet Pea is 3-6 years older and 30lbs bigger than any of these kids and would love nothing more than a game of Watch Me Break Through the Ropes Tying Me To a Tree.

Me:  Really.  How does Sweet Pea feel about this?

Pumpkin Pie:  It was his idea.

Pumpkin Pie out.

Posted in Funny Parenting Blog | Leave a comment

Whose Underpants Are These?

An actual photo of Pumpkin Pie on Mismatched Day in preschool. His father and brothers did not notice anything different.

You may remember that Pumpkin Pie has some issues with clothing.  You can read about that here, here, and here.  More recently, he has developed an aversion to underpants.  You read that right, underpants.  If I want to be sure that he is wearing underpants to kindergarten, I have to check.  Every. stinking. day.  I told him that it is the law that he has to wear underpants to school.  I actually find this very amusing and I mentioned it to his teacher one day so we could share a giggle.

Imagine my surprise when a month or two later I got an email from Pumpkin Pie’s teacher (I need to mention that I adore both of his teachers and not just because one of his teachers’ email address assigned by the school happens to be the name of a national brand of fabulous cookies).  The message casually mentioned that they found a pair of underpants in the bathroom at school and while she was certainly not accusing him of anything, she immediately thought of Pumpkin Pie and knew I would laugh.  I tried to.  I really did.  I got the message from his teacher after I got home from work and Pumpkin Pie was snuggled up, commando, in his gorilla costume pajamas fast asleep so there was no way I could know if he came home with or without his entire outfit.  I barely waited until the next morning to asked him about it.

Me:  Good morning!  Hey, did you happen to leave your underwear behind at school yesterday?

Pumpkin Pie:  Nope.  Angela (awesome sitter extraordinaire) asked me already yesterday.

Me:  Oh, okay.  Are you sure?

Pumpkin Pie:  Yes, I’m sure.  Why would I leave my underwear at school?!?

Me:  Hmmmmm.  You have a point.

If they were *that* comfortable, people wouldn't be abandoning them in bathrooms. Maybe that is why they come in a convenient multi-pack.

That afternoon I saw the teacher at pick up and just to be on the safe side asked if the found garment was spiderman blue with a red band.  I happen to know that was the pair Pumpkin Pie had been sporting the day prior as I had to check to see that he was wearing any underwear at all before taking him to school.  Duh.  I then had to send him back upstairs to put them on.  After a couple of false starts, I finally had to watch him put on said garment.  Pumpkin Pie’s teacher (incredulous, it fit so perfectly if they were Pumpkin Pie’s pants!) revealed that indeed the found underpants were classic tighty-whiteys.  It was then that I laughed.  I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Posted in Dressing Preschoolers, Parenting Boys, Pumpkin Pie, Underpants | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Exciting Lego Heroica

Pumpkin Pie recently discovered some random Lego dvd we had lying around the house and decided to watch it.  He has been enjoying it and for my fellow Lego buffs out there, it has sections of Lego Ninjago, Hero City and Heroica videos.  Good clean Lego fun.  I say that without actually having watched the video because as far as I know, Lego dvds were invented so I could cook dinner free of nagging children.

Lego Heroica. Say it with me Heh-ROH-ih-kah. That's right.

Pumkin Pie watched a section of the video today and when it ended, he came to find me to ask me to put on another section.  He wanted to watch the Lego Heroica, which he unfortunately pronounced, “Lego Erotica”.  As in, “Mom, would you please put on the part with the Lego Erotica”?  Huh?  Am I missing something in this dvd?

I am happy to report it was a brief misunderstanding which was cleared up before any words even left my lips.  Words such as, “Lego Erotica?  That is a pretty specific fetish“, or “Lego Erotica?  What are you doing in Daddy’s sock drawer”?

The end.

Posted in Funny Parenting Blog, Legos, Parenting Boys, Pumpkin Pie | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment