As a parent, I am called out of my chair all the damn time. Maybe Pickles needs part of his extensive collection of scrapes bandaged, Sweet Pea needs his closet door closed while he is snug in his top bunk or Pumpkin Pie needs his bum wiped. Someone is screaming, or it’s too quiet. Random neighbor-child will ring the doorbell to tell me one of the shorties did something rotten or had something rotten done to them. The dog needs to go out. The dog needs to come in. The dog needs to be fed. The children need to be fed. Many scenarios require me to get out of my chair. Most of the time I don’t want to. My chair is very comfy and I’m tired. That’s probably why I sat down to begin with.
We moved into our current home last December and discovered something about our appliances, the oven and microwave specifically. They are very needy. They are needy and they do NOT like it when I am sitting in my chair. When I set the oven timer for Pumpkin Pie’s umpteenth time out or to alert me when Glee is on, the timer beeps at the previously arranged time, and then stops. Then, as soon as my butt hits the chair, it beeps again. And again. And AGAIN! Until I get up and turn the blasted thing off! I figured out pretty quick that this was not the best Time Out timer and moved on to the microwave timer. SAME DAMN PROBLEM!! I have to get out of my chair and turn it off! Seriously? Needy appliance much? If I put my tea in there to reheat, it will continue to beep every 90 seconds (I timed it) until I come get my tea. I don’t need tea bad enough to get out of the chair for it. I was in the kitchen when I wanted it reheated, I am in the chair now. Microwave, I have heard your alert and would appreciate it if you would calm yourself. Here, have a glass of wine. It will take the edge off.
Fast forward 2 months when we have to replace the washer and dryer because the old ones would neither wash NOR dry. The new washer and dryer are fabulous AND energy efficient. Also needy. When the dryer finishes it beeps. Fine, thanks for letting my know, I don’t care about wrinkly clothes. They get wrinkly when they get shoved in the drawers or thrown on the floor anyway, but thanks for caring. Now shut it. Please. If I do not get out of my chair and
stroke the dryer’s ego turn it off, it continues to beep every 180 seconds (I timed it) over and over until the end of time. I am happy to say that through keen observation and superior engineering (read: a button that says “signal”) I was able to stop that particular appliance’s beeping. It took 2 months.
Ready to hear about the washer? When the washer finishes washing my clothes, I bet you can guess what it does… It beeps incessantly until I get out of my chair and turn it off. One time I heard it start to beep as I was on my way out the door and when I got back home hours later, it was STILL BEEPING. I know what you are thinking, Isn’t that excessive? Why yes, I agree that it is excessive. You may also be thinking Isn’t there a button to turn off the beeper? Nope. Nada. Nothing. Of course I say this without having consulted the manual that I misplaced approximately 30 seconds after it was handed to me. I could go look for it, but that would mean I would have to get out of my chair. Not. happening.