My husband occasionally travels for work. He is not deployed, he does not regularly work 14 hour days so I am aware that compared to LOTS of moms out there I have it good. But he is away for the week and it sucks eggs. Here’s why:
10. There is no adult supervision. When there is no other adult around the house to protect me from parent the children, I revert back to a child myself. Let’s see, Sweet Pea is 12, Pickles is 9, Pumpkin Pie is 4… 12+9+4=25 and 25 divided by 3 is 8 and 1/3. Yup. That’s about right. I start to act like an overgrown 8 1/3 year old. I stay up too late, eat cookies for dinner and argue with the shorties about stupid crap.
9. My clothes shrink. It might have something to do with the cookies for dinner. My mother taught be better, though, I don’t eat cookies for breakfast. That’s the most important meal of the day! I eat the cookies AFTER breakfast. Duh.
8. I am exhausted. I get progressively sleepier as the week goes on because no one gives me the look that says, “Seriously? Do you need to watch another rerun of Grey’s Anatomy at 10:30″? Prolly not. But barring any adult supervision I will TOTALLY watch another. And maybe a Chuck rerun after that.
7. I never get a damn shower. My kids are old enough to leave alone while I get a shower, but who has the time? First, I kick Sweet Pea’s wall-climbing self out the door get Sweet Pea off to the bus by 7:55. Then, I watch Pickles pace while checking his watch with his backpack on starting 20 minutes before it is time to leave hug Pickles goodbye. After that, it’s time to fight with Pumpkin Pie about wearing clothes that don’t smell bad get Pumpkin Pie dressed. What’s the problem?
6. The dog gets super needy. Each Shortie would have his own top 10 list of stuff that sucks when Dad is gone and most of those would be something like Mom is a raving lunatic, Mom is grouchy, Mom smells like wine, Mom is acting like she is 8 1/3. Blah blah blah. As annoying as that is, the dog is the one on my last nerve. And don’t give me that Doodle Dog Did 2 Awesome Things Today crap, either. He is totally up my butt.
5. There is no one to bring me a glass of wine. Not that my husband lives to serve or anything, but he would be happy to bring me a glass of wine after a tough day. And right now I am way too tired to get out of my chair to get it myself. Tragic.
4. My brain hurts from getting interrupted constantly. I know, this special kind of brain pain is a constant state of affairs for all parents. But when Husband is gone, it is way worse. I think the Shorties have a quota to fulfill and I am the only one they can interrupt. Maybe I should bring in a ringer, someone to look busy who they could repeatedly interrupt. While writing this post, I was interrupted 5,372 times.
3. There is no one to investigate the things that go bump in the night. Because I am certainly not going to do it. I am moderately paranoid about bad guys on a good day. In the middle of the night or after being woken up by a noise, I am crazy in a whacktacular way. One morning BC (before children) while Husband and I were sleeping, our cat jumped at the metal mini blinds after some bird shadows (she was really smart that way) and I sat up and screamed. Husband almost had a stroke and still hasn’t recovered from the shock.
2. I can’t find a damn thing. The house phone, my cell phone, my tea cup (probably in the microwave), my keys, my mind, etc. The tv remote has been missing for a day and a half and we have to get up to change the channel! I misplaced my purse today and called my husband to help me find it. He isn’t even in the continental United States right now. I really should check the microwave. Pitiful.
1. I say “damn” a lot. And lots of other rude words. I try to say them inside my head, but sometimes they slip out my mouth. I just hope I don’t hear about this from the Submarine Preschool. Dammit. I am going to bed, I am sure I will wake up screaming when he gets home. That will be a lovely welcome for him.