As a general rule, I try not to dis men for being men. Unless they have it coming, and Husband’s Old Man soccer team 2 years ago totally has it coming. The Brothers and I were at home minding our own business in a typical Sunday-Smackdown-Lord-of-the-Flies kinda way when the phone rings.
Husband: Hi. I think I am concussed.
Me: Whuck are you talking about?
Husband: Uh… I got hit on the head at soccer and I think I am concussed.
Me: What does that even mean? Are you driving right now?
Husband: Um… I think so…
Me: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU HAVE A CONCUSSION AND ARE NOW DRIVING YOURSELF 30 MINUTES HOME?!?!?! They let you drive? Morons. Pull over. I’ll come get you.
Husband: I am almost home.
Me: Do you even know where you live?
Husband: I think so.
This is what I was thinking: Well, you can’t be that bad off if you knew not to call me until you were almost home because I wouldn’t let you drive. Stupid butt-face.
And this is what I said: Well, you can’t be that bad off if you knew not to call me until you were almost home because I wouldn’t let you drive. Stupid butt-face.
Evidently this is how it went down on the field. Husband went up to head the ball at the same time as someone else. On the way down, the other guy landed first and mean old Mr. Gravity brought Husband down such that the corner of his jaw landed on the other guy’s shoulder. *GONG*
All Husband knew was that one minute he was playing soccer and the next he was sitting on the sideline confused. It seems that after he got gonged, he made his way to the sideline where he sat down and proceeded to ask whoever was sitting next to him where he was and what was happening. His teammate patiently answered his questions, Husband listened and then asked the same questions again. And again. This is where the stupid comes in. It did not occur to any of those morons that Husband may be, you know, injured. Morons. Stupid, Y chromosome carrying, idiot morons. One of the guys told husband later, “Yeah, I thought you probably had a concussion when you kept asking me what was happening. Huh huh huh huh”. Fool. He probably told Husband that while handing him a beer after the game. Moron. It was around this time Husband realized one of his back teeth was broken, too. Huh, a broken tooth. Boy this beer is delicious!
Imagine if this had been a women’s game (further suspending reality that my husband is playing on a women’s team, but whatever. I am trying to make a point)… Husband goes up for a header, *GONG*, ref blows whistle, Husband is helped to the sideline, portable MRI machine is removed from one of the women’s handbags, and after Husband is cleared medically, his tooth is repaired by another mom using only gum, Desitin, and a sewing kit which she carries in her diaper bag. Men can’t even give him a ride home and this is why they are stupid and women should rule the world.