When we unexpectedly had to replace our van, we wound up getting a used Honda Odyssey. Yes, this is the same. damn. van. everyone else who has kids drives. You can’t be too picky when buying a used van and we also happened to get the same. damn. color. van everyone else has, too. When we brought it home, Husband turned to me, sighed and said, “Now we are exactly like everyone else.” I know, dear. It’s unfortunate.
I don’t want you to get the idea that I don’t like the new van, because I love it. It is comfortable and it fits all our shorties and Doodle dog (not that I would actually let the dog ride in it, duh). When searching for what to buy, we came to discover that there is actually a reason everyone buys this van! (Other than the desire to be part of The Collective) If you check Consumer Reports, the Honda Odyssey (and to a lesser extent the Toyota Sienna) is simply the most fuel-efficient, convenient, reliable way to haul around your pack of children and animals if you are planning to keep your vehicle for an extended time period (until the transmission falls out of it, for example?). SUV? Costs more, less fuel economy, doesn’t fit our kids inside as well. American-made van? Great option if we only planned on keeping it for a few years. Large sedan? No way, Jose. We’d need two.
So we are settling in with our van, even though we might rather leave the kids at home and drive around in something a little less collective-like. Oh well, whatever.
So on Thursday, Pumpkin Pie and I hopped into Locutus and headed to the Submarine Preschool. On the way there, and I swear this is true, Pumpkin Pie asked, What if someone else tried to get into our van because they thought it was theirs? I reassured him, Oh, Pumpkin Pie, don’t worry, their key wouldn’t work.
At that, I dropped him off and started back to the parking lot. I headed to the van, pushed the “unlock” button, scooched my way beside the van parked next to me and grabbed the driver’s door handle. I gave it a solid tug and it didn’t open. Hit the unlock button again and was actually surprised when it didn’t open AGAIN. Of course it didn’t open because it was not my van. Whoopsie! Silly me, it wasn’t even a Honda, it was a Toyota! What a stupid mistake. Hahahahahahaha.
There’s my van! I knew because I saw the magnet from Sweet Pea’s Middle School on the back. Shew! I hit the unlock button, squeezed between my van and the one next to it and was not surprised that the door opened when I pulled the handle. However, the woman sitting in the driver’s seat of that van WAS surprised to see me open HER van door and try to get inside HER VAN while she innocently sat talking on her cell phone. For the love of Pete. Really? Did I seriously just try to get into 2 vans that were not mine?
Third time’s a charm, right? Directly next to van #2 was another possible match. Sweet Pea’s middle school magnet? Check. Wait, I’m not getting fooled by that one again. 30 day tags? Check. Lights blink when I unlock the door? Check. Looking inside I didn’t see anyone already in there and that had to be a good sign. I was so embarrassed by trying to climb into that woman’s van and sit in her lap that I pulled the Middle School magnet off the back of my van and held it up to her window pointing at it to show her, See, I am not deranged, our kids go to the same middle school and I thought that was my van! Isn’t that understandably funny? Hahahahaha! Which I suspect she interpreted as, I know where your kid goes to school and I am going to get him even though you made a narrow escape from my treachery. Hahahahaha!
How much does it cost to get flames painted on the side of a van? Or bubbles or ivy or whatever? Ugh.