There are several child-related phenomenon I have noticed over the last several years. I believe these phenomenon are universal, but I don’t know the mechanism behind any of them.
Rotten Apple Syndrome: When a child or pack of children seek out a parent or sibling who is engaging in a quiet activity and then fight, sing loud repetitive songs, or otherwise attempt to lure quiet person away from their quiet activity and spread unrest like a fungus. This is universally infuriating.
Being Pecked to Death By Chickens: Process by which children nag, beg, pester, and are needy in quantity and velocity as to make parental unit react as though being attacked. One tiny assault at a time. Contributes to Parental Brain Damage.
Parental Brain Damage: Gradual brain damage resulting from sleep deprivation and near constant interruption that prevents parents from completing a thought until their youngest child is 10 years old. The damage begins at conception of first offspring and is largely irreversible.
Bad Quiet: Silence that comes on suddenly and requires investigation. Bad Quiet often precedes the discovery of extensive property damage or blood curdling screams signaling injury.
Mom Lo-Jack: Psychic ability of your offspring to find you in the house no matter where you have hidden yourself. Closets, bathrooms, garages and cars with entertainment systems are especially vulnerable to this ability. It is possible that you were fitted with a microchip when your attention was diverted in the delivery room or when signing adoption papers. Fathers are immune to this.
Child Lo-Jack: The mother’s psychic ability to know what her offspring are up to. Child’s contact with hidden Halloween candy stashes, inappropriate television and Sharpees all trigger the Child Lo-Jack. See also: Mom Lo-Jack. Phenomenon has also been seen in pet owners.
Super Hearing: What enables parents to hear Bad Quiet and facilitates the Lo-Jack. It also allows parents to single out their child’s voice among the chorus calling “Mom!” at Target. Hearing sharpens as the rest of the brain’s powers dull due to Parental Brain Damage.
Blind Sided: What happens when you think your oldest child is caught up on all his school work and you check your frenemy the online Progress Book which alerts you that your weekend will be spent printing up pictures of Napoleon and a Penny-Farthing bicycle and conjugating French verbs. Yo no hablo Francais!