A couple of days ago, before this hellish heat wave hit, we were sitting at Pickles playoff baseball game. Without wasting a bunch of words on it, I will just say that it was a very exciting game, and tempers flared. (Not mine, I am too ADD to even know what is happening. I knit until someone elbows me to tell me Pickles is batting). The game tied up on the last possible batter of the last inning and was about to go into overtime when it got too dark to play. We have a lighted field we could play on 50 yards away, but the sprinklers were going. The kids would have to play the over time the next night. I know, it was a big cluster eff.
Enter heat wave. In the 150 degree here with 200% humidity, Pumpkin Pie and I go and join the other
miserable jolly fans to see how this game will play out. After 2 innings and 500 texts to Sweet Pea (home) and Husband (staying at Camp Mamaw for a business trip), Pickles’ team lost. The kids were down, dehydrated and spent, and it was getting late fast. I decided that for a little pick me up, we would go to Friendly’s for some double fried food and crappy ice cream. I said that out loud to the Shorties before I remembered that Friendly’s is 20 minutes away, all their food is double fried and their ice cream sucks. Luckily, the shorties were convinced that the food at our local pub, Lebowski’s, would suffice after I promised Oreo sundaes at home afterward.
We stopped home to scoop up Sweet Pea and headed over to Lebowski’s. Now, Lebowski’s is a family sports
bar restaurant, so there are televisions everywhere. There is no seat in that place where you can’t see 3 ginormous televisions without even moving your eyeballs. They also serve beer, so suck it Friendly’s. I was pretty happy overall to be in the a/c, not cooking, and drinking a teeny tiny beer. With the televisions, it was kind of like Pumpkin Pie and I were having dinner with two zombies because the Brothers didn’t do much more than stare. They would have drooled if they hadn’t been so dehydrated.
Our waitress was slightly less than mediocre, but we muddled through drinks and ordered our food. I have never had a quieter meal alone with three children. I was really in awe of
the ginormous televisions my superior parenting. I took Pumpkin Pie to the bathroom to wash up and then the food came. There were large quantities and we ate heartily. It was then that things started to turn bad… I spilled a HUGE cup of mango vinaigrette dressing onto the table and onto my shorts. It was quite enjoyable on the salad, but on the legs? Not so much. This superfluous, syrupy, goopy gunk looked like someone had vomited directly onto my right thigh. And it instantly soaked straight through my shorts to my skin. Check please, slightly-less-than-mediocre server.
It was at that instant that Pumpkin Pie decided that he had to go to the bathroom again. When we return the check is there. But, in her slightly-less-than-mediocre way, the waitress forgot the gift card I had asked her for earlier. (The card is for the baseball coaches, I don’t want to forget to get them a giftie). She finally brought the check. Again. And as I got out my credit card, the entire contents of my wallet burst into the air and fluttered to the floor around me. It was like a jail break of frequent shopper cards to Kids Kuts and the Route 17 Car Wash. Awesome. She brought the styrofoam box that I asked for (twice) and I packed up the significant leftovers, signed the receipt and we were off like a prom dress. I was secure in the knowledge that the kids
acted like the television junkies they are behaved beautifully and I was sure the other diners barely noticed my value punch card ticker tape explosion and mango vinaigrette slop shower. We piled into the correct van and it was then I realized I had a toilet paper streamer stuck to my shoe. Even awesomer.